The Secret Life of Steve Rogers
by The True Fan-Fiction-Fanatic
Summary: Crack Fic: Steve has been keeping secrets from the group and shits about to hit the fan when they catch him sneaking into the tower completely trashed. What happened to the sweet innocent Steve Rogers? They don't recognize the new confident, tatted, and cool Steve. How did this happen? -Terrible summary. Rated for coarse language, shit, stuff and thangs...


It all started when they asked the question: Was Steve Rogers also known as Captain America a virgin? They knew that it was frowned upon back in his time to have sex before you were married but did that stop the good Captain? They knew he was sickly for the majority of his life, before he was shipped off to war and received the serum. Did that stop some dame from seeing him as attractive enough to share a bed with? They knew that he was quite innocent and naïve but how far did it really go? Was it all just an act or did he really behave that way?

All these questions and more whirled around in the heads of the avengers some, like Tony, more fixated on it than others. However it was with the arrival of these questions that they realized the good Captain had a secret life.

Tony was the one to notice it first; the Captain was breaking free from his routine. He had always kept a strict schedule to help him feel more at home in the twenty first century, after all he was a military man and was used to rigidity and discipline. At first it was small things, he woke up later, missed a run here or there, or he even skipped breakfast 'the most important meal of the day' as he reminded Tony whenever he stated he didn't need to eat. However everyone brushed it off until the day no one had seen the Captain in the tower all day, only to be caught sneaking back in.

"Hey." Clint called out to Tony who was standing in the kitchen before the coffee maker, at five in the morning, taking notice of the black Sabbath t-shirt and jeans the inventor was wearing Clint knew that he had either went to bed in the shop and just woke up or he was heading down to start working, either way he was going to the shop.

Tony looked up to greet the archer, who wearing his usual workout clothes must have just come up from the gym, with a distracted expression. "Hey Legolas, how's it hanging in Middle Earth." By 'Middle Earth' Clint guessed he must have meant the farm with his family. He had just got back from visiting his family hours before and this was the first he'd seen of Tony since he'd been back.

"Its fine, everything was good. The she-elf misses me and so do the elf lings but they can get by on a visit every couple weeks." He walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water; shutting the door he swallowed the entire bottle in a single sip. "How've things been in Oz Tin Man?"

Tony shrugged and retrieved a coffee cup from the cabinet that was nearly out of his reach. He had to jump to open and close the door. Where was one of his freakishly tall friends when you need them? "Everything's been copacetic. The productivity of the lab is up, Bruce went out on another soul searching journey, Natasha just got back from an assignment about a week ago, Thor's going back to Fairyland tomorrow and the Cap-" His voice trailed off as the thought back to their fearless leader. Come to think of it, the Captain had been M.I.A. for the past day or so. Tony just assumed he was at his apartment in Brooklyn, though he slept in the tower most of the time he still kept the apartment for storage space and whenever he needed a break from the tower. He was usually still spending the majority of his time at the tower, either in the gym or down in his lab getting lessons on life in the 21st century. "Come to think of it I haven't really seen Capsicle around. I figure he's hiding in his apartment or something."

Clint went into the refrigerator again, this time for an apple and another bottle of water, taking a bite he replied to Tony. "Well, I've been down in the gym all day and I know how much he loves sticking to his stupid schedule and I haven't seen him at all." Clint didn't really get the chance to work out on his farm, he was too busy fixing up the house and spending time with his family.

"Do you two ever shut up?" A voice asked from somewhere near the living room, and both males jumped, Tony dropping the coffee cup, now filled to the brim, coffee and glass scattering over the floor, as the Black Widow stepped out of the darkness and into the bright lights of the kitchen, her eyes scrunching up and a hand coming up in an attempt to protect herself from the bright lights.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Clint panted as he attempted to slow his racing heart.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Tony screeched, his arms flailing around, as he internally whined about how one of his favorite pairs of ratty old jeans was now covered in coffee.

"Calm down Tony, there's no need to be so dramatic." A placating tone responded and another figure came out of the dark living room, the sudden entry scaring Tony once more and nearly causing him to slip on the spilled coffee as Bruce stepped into the kitchen.

"You too?" Tony asked and decided to remain quiet until he had complete control over his breathing.

"Bruce and I were watching a movie in the living room with Thor, Thor wandered off to do something -to go back to Asgard, I forgot to tell you all that he said bye- and we fell asleep on the couch. At least we were asleep until you two decided on being this loud at the asscrack of dawn." She rubbed a hand over her face and walked over to Clint, the apple in his hand somehow finding its way into hers and completely finished in four bites.

Tossing the remains into the bin she wiped her mouth and met the gazes of Tony and Clint. "What?"

Clint opened his mouth to say something, but shook his head choosing instead to go back to the conversation he and Tony were having before she popped out of nowhere. "You two haven't happened to see Cap anywhere have you?"

"I haven't seen Steve in two days, why?" Natasha asked, while Bruce simply shook his head.

That was incredibly strange. Since the fall and retasking of S.H.I.E.L.D. Natasha and Steve had been extremely close, almost like they were best friends or something. Their bond was on par with the one she shared with Clint, if not stronger, they almost never went a day without talking to each other even if they were out of the country; the only time they didn't talk was on missions that required radio silence. Something strange was going on.

"Have you talked to him at all?" Natasha was thoughtful for a moment before shaking her head a small frown on her pouty lips.

"That's not normal," Bruce stated pulling off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Do you think something happened to him?"

"No worries," Tony answered from his spot on all fours on the floor, frigid coffee seeping through his denim onto his skin and making him nearly shiver with how disgusting it felt as he was attempting to pick up all the shards of his mug. "We can just ask Jarvis if he knows where he is, he can track him using his phone. I installed a chip in there so that we could always find him. You know how he has a terrible sense of direction. He's called me too many times to count asking for directions from some part of New York, I finally just installed Jarvis on his phone so that J could tell him how to find his way. Jarvis?" Tony called up to the ceiling after his long babbling digression and everyone else resisted the urge to rub their temples as they attempted to catch up with his babbling. Waiting for the AI to answer his master's call.

"Sir, Captain Roger's phone is currently in a tattoo shop in Brooklyn; however the Captain is currently in the elevator and attempting to sneak in." The avengers gathered in the room shared a look. "The Captain believes you all to be asleep, and is attempting to enter the tower without alerting you."

"What the hell has he been doing all day?" Clint asked scratching his chin and sitting up on the counter, preparing for when the Captain would inevitably walk past the kitchen and be discovered by everyone present.

"I don't know but this is too good to be true, we've got to watch this." Tony stated standing from his spot on the floor and dumping the remnants of porcelain into the bin, taking the mop from its spot in the closet and cleaning up the spill as the group waited silently for their fearless leader to get busted sneaking into the tower.

A moment later after Tony had just about cleaned the entire spill they heard the elevator come to a stop and the doors open up to the common floor. For some reason Tony had decided that he wanted the common floor to be as far as the elevator went and everyone had to take the stairs from there to get to their own personal apartments, the group had asked him why several times but each time he simply refused to answer.

The doors opened and a patch of light appeared on the carpet of the living room, a silhouette making his way out of the light and into the darkness of the living room, the shades pulled down and preventing any light of the rising sun to penetrate the darkness. Slowly the sound of heavy sluggish footsteps approached the kitchen as the intruder made his way into the light of the kitchen, and he froze in his tracks when he caught sight of his other teammates standing there.

Shock was the first emotion that they experienced; they had never seen the 'Star Spangled Man with a Plan' ever look so disheveled in the entire time they had known him. His normally impeccably styled blond hair was tousled and sticking up in directions that they had no clue even existed, as if multiple people had attacked it with combs at the same time. His sparkling blue eyes were now cloudy and half hidden by a pair of aviator shades sitting at the very edge of his nose, his jaw covered in blond stubble that was only seconds away from becoming a fully fledged beard. The red button up shirt he was wearing was half tucked into his pants, the belt on his dark wash jeans not even buckled, just sitting in the loops and taking up space. The brown leather jacket he wore out of the house in his hand and splashed with a rainbow of colors, his brown boots in a similar state. They could smell the alcohol as if it were seeping from his pores, surprised they didn't smell him before he even got to the penthouse floor.

"Dude…" Clint whispered in amazement as they all looked on in wonder. Steve's hand traveled up to rub at his face in embarrassment, he should have known they would be awake when he decided to sneak in.

"Hi guys," He tried to speak only to clear his throat when it came out more as a guttural growl than actual language. "What're you all doing up?" He moved further into the room and placed his jacket on the counter, running a hand through his hair, simultaneously using the other hand to cover a wide yawn. He sniffed and pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, hiding his eyes completely. The team still had yet to answer him. "What?"

"I think the more pressing question of the moment is what the hell happened to you? Where have you been?" Natasha's bored voice asked, rising slightly at the end. "We've been worried about you."

Steve flinched slightly at the steel behind her words but showed no other emotion, choosing instead to answer her with a self satisfied smile. "I was out… Not doing much, went to a club, hit a few bars, nothing much."

"Who are you and what have you done with the boring Captain America?" Tony asked bluntly standing to his feet. Steve shot him a look and wobbled slightly taking a few roundabout steps to steady himself as much as possible, but he was still swaying on his feet.

"W-what, what do you mean?" Steve laughed slightly showing off a mouth full of pearly white teeth.

"Are-are you missing a tooth?" Bruce asked incredulously and Steve cocked his head to the side with a look of confusion.

"I don't think so." He opened his mouth once more and ran a finger against his teeth stopping when he encountered the missing canine on his bottom right side. "Oh. I guess I am." He laughed slightly and they shared incredulous looks. Who was this person?

"Jarvis? What's wrong with him? Commence full body scan." Tony ordered and the Captain chose this spot to be perfect to take a nap, sliding down against the cabinets until his entire body covered the length of the floor with his head angled against the cabinets in a way that looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Hiya Jarvis!" The Captain waved up at the ceiling and the amused AI replied.

"Sir, it appears the good Captain is under the influence of drugs and alcohol. His current blood alcohol content is well over the legal limit."

"WHAT?!" Four equally confused voices screeched but were quieted by a yell from the kitchen's occupant stretched out on the floor.

"Will you shut the fuck up?! I'm trying to sleep! You're too loud!" He smiled happily when the shocked faces turned to him and rubbed a hand against his throat. "Good… I'm hungry, we should - we should make some steaks. With 'um, hot sauce, jalapenos, steak sauce, beer, fried eggs, and fries; all smothered in gravy." He hopped up from the ground then and everyone backed up at his suddenly energetic mood. "I'll get started." He started to dig around the refrigerator and everyone shared a horrified look.

The Captain definitely had a secret life, and it was about time he shared it.

"I've gotta pee," Steve whined randomly and everyone shared horrified looks as Steve whipped himself out and started to pee into the garbage can.

They needed to fix this now!

 **Author's Note:** Hi! What's goings on?! I'm bored and I stumbled upon this ficlet that I wrote centuries ago and I decided to finish the little crack fic. It was fun and I wanted to see what the rest of you would think about it. So yeah, let me know and I might continue with some new chapters.


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